Why Choose FEAR?

I've been told that FEAR is
FALSE
EVIDENCE
APPEARING
REAL

For much of my life I've lived in FEAR.
Fear of Failure
Fear of Disappointing my family
Fear of being dumped by a boyfriend
Fear that my boyfriend was having an affair
Fear of sharing at AA Meetings

I've also been fearless many times in my life. I could go home with stragers at 16. I could drive drunk at 18. I could buy drugs at 28. I could "slip" and use drugs one more time at 41. I used so much drugs the last time, I was sure I was about to OD. Yet I picked myself off the floor where I had been practically convulsing and went back to the computer to find another trick

But now that I'm sober again, almost 18 months later FEAR once again dominates me.

These Lyrics from RENT runs through my head:
"how do you feel today, how do you feel today"

"best I've felt in years"

"then why choose FEAR"

PAUSE: "I'm a New Yorker, FEARS MY LIFE"

For me I'm an ADDICT, I'm Filipino, I'm a DELACRUZ, I was dumped by Billy for a TRICK, I was dumped by Gilles for Lorenzo.

I don't want to live in FEAR.

FAITH and ACCEPTANCE are the answers. But the questions reverberate in my brain.
The commitee tells me that you're not good enough, your not worthy. I know it's bullshit, but its bullshit that won't go away.

What do I need to do? Go to a shrink, Get an new sponsor and do a fear Inventory.

A gratidude list may be the answer. I am greatful for the blessings that I have experienced this year.

Higher power, please relieve me from the bondage of SELF. But I love bondage. Oh, I'm entertaining myself now.

Anyway, Roger. boyroger needs not to FEAR.

I'll drink to that. Oh, Yeah I can't drink either.

Happy New Year 2006!

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind;
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
And days of old lang syne.

For old lang syne, my dear,
For old lang syne,
We'll take a cup of kindness yet,
For old lang syne.

We two have run about the hills,
And pulled the daisies fine.
We've wandered many a weary foot,
Since old lang syne.

We two have paddled in the burn [Stream],
From morning sun till dine,
But seas between us broad have roared,
Since old lang syne.

And here's a hand my trusty friend,
And put your hand in mine.
We'll take a right good willie-waught [Drink],
For old lang syne.

And surely you'll lift up your glass,
For surely I'll lift mine,
And we'll drink a cup of kindness yet,
For old lang syne.

We Are FAMILY II

Sir John made my costume for me. I loved it. We went to a Holloween party at Digger's house and walked Santa Monica Blvd. on Halloween. Too bad we were upstaged by a table :(.


Sir Mike put this together. It's perfect!

OK Michelle is back!

Michelle is back. She is recovering from a very serious hip ligament injury. She is not even training full time. She recently debuted her new short program (same music as Irina's). Not loving it , but I will trust Michelle can make it her own when she's full strength.

Read about her injury: http://www.usatoday.com/sports/olympics/winter/2005-12-10-kwan-return_x.htm

She has a long way to go to be National's and Olympic's ready. I will believe in Michelle, but will not have any expectation of the outcome for either event.

I got my tickets, booked my flight, and made arrangements to room with someone for Nationals.
I can't believe it's a month away! I can't wait to see all my friends from 2002 and last year. I can't wait to see the skaters practice again. That's where you get to see what it takes to put these programs together. Ice Skating is a very demanding sport. The ice is hard when they fall and they fall over and over again.

Anyway, here's a clip of the making of an Olympic's commercial that truly gives me the chills.
I love the winter Olympics!

http://www.ringoffire.com/postcard/winter/winterba.html